


Masquerade (or: Gary Bettman doesn't have bad ideas)

by Roga



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Day 1, Crack, Gen, Jewish Character, Jewish Holidays, Purim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 20:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1317778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Which one of you morons decided it would be a good idea to sic twenty thousand masks of Jonathan Toews on my town?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masquerade (or: Gary Bettman doesn't have bad ideas)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shoshanah-ben-hohim (Shoshanah_ben_hohim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoshanah_ben_hohim/gifts).



The phone rings, and because it is a day that ends with Y, Gary mentally tacks on _angrily_. 

"It's Chicago," Diane says from the front desk. 

If Stan Bowman is calling to whine about shootouts again, Gary is quitting his job. He puts down the report he was leafing through and picks up. "How you doing, Stan?"

"Which one of you morons decided it would be a good idea to sic twenty thousand masks of Jonathan Toews on my town?"

Gary blinks. "So, not Stan."

"No, motherfucker. I want them _out of my city_."

Gary hazards an educated guess. "Mr. Emanual?"

Rahm snaps. "Gary, quit the fuck stalling and tell me what you're going to do about this. I've had six grocery store robberies this morning with the perps all wearing fucking Tazer masks. I've got an old woman who went into cardiac arrest because her grandson terrified her with the depths of his Toews mask's soulless black eyes. I've got citizens complaining about rows of children marching to school armed with hockey sticks and his face pasted on their heads." Something trembles in Rahm's voice. "It's fucking creepy, man."

Gary frowns. That really does sound fucking creepy. "Sounds like a rough time you're dealing with," he says, attempting sympathy.

"Don't try to sympathize, Gary, you're really bad at it. Just get those things out of my city. We've got one Toews already, he's great, but he is more than fucking enough."

"You should talk to the Blackhawks' organization, you know," Gary suggests smoothly. "All we did was transfer our reserves to their warehouses. Whether they started selling them at the store or donated them at wholesale prices to local JCCs was really out of our hands." 

"There are _actual criminals_ committing _crime_ on my streets, Gary." 

"That's hardly new."

"You know, this is why people hate your guts."

Gary hmms his agreement, eyes wandering back to his report. "Tell me that after your next parade."

"Fine," Rahm spits out. "I'll handle it. I'll burn down all those fucking masks myself if I have to. Just do me a favor. Next time you have a brilliant marketing idea that has already failed spectacularly once – because don't think I've forgotten we went through this same exact conversation on October 31st – run it the fuck by me first." 

He hangs up.

Gary places his headset down as well. It immediately rings again. He picks up. "Yes?"

"Wait," Rahm says suspiciously, "why did you send these masks to JCCs in the middle of March?"

"It's Purim," Gary says.

Rahm pauses. "Shit. I was supposed to dress my daughter up for school today."

"Oh, well. Maybe you can get her a Jonathan Toe—" Gary cuts off as Rahm hangs up again. 

He puts the phone down. "Well, that went well." He picks up his report.

"It really was a bad idea," Diane says from the doorway. 

"I never have bad ideas," Gary replies.

She smirks. "I've got Washington on the line for you. Some kid pulled out his sister's tooth so she would match her Overchkin mask."

"Kids' teeth fall out all the time."

"And then the Governor of Pennsylvania wants to have a word. Apparently they're seeing an epidemic of schoolyard riots. Crosby and Giroux-masked boys and girls have decided to start off Purim by repeatedly punching each other in the face."

Gary takes off his reading glasses and puts the report back in the drawer.

"All right," he sighs. "Let's get going."

  


**Author's Note:**

> Credits for the masks go, unfortunately, to the actual NHL. Available Octobers for just $11.99.


End file.
